


8:57PM

by Mirinae



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 19:40:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11088561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mirinae/pseuds/Mirinae
Summary: Youngbin doesn't like spending his time in the dorms anymore.





	8:57PM

**Author's Note:**

> This is a hot mess but I really tried I swear.  
> Also I really didn't know how to tag this I'm so sorry, if you think I should add a tag that wasn't included please let me know!

Youngbin didn’t like spending his time in the dorms.

It’s not that he didn’t like the other boys, he absolutely adored them… It was just that he had a hard time handling how much they adored each other. He wasn’t bitter when he watched Inseong and Jaeyoon corral Dawon onto the couch for a quality cuddling session, or when Hwiyoung convinced Taeyang to compete with him against Chani and Rowoon in a series of games as Juho kept track of score and dished out punishments. Youngbin was never bitter or angry when he watched, it wasn’t in him to be angry at them just because he felt left out. While he sometimes wished he would slip into frustration or anger he never felt either of the two emotions. Instead of the frustration that he wished would come to him the only feeling that would well up inside of his chest was an insatiable feeling of loneliness, that after ravaging through his heart left behind a deep and heavy sadness that weighed him down like a stone. 

Eventually that constant feeling of sadness that followed in the wake of the loneliness that often ran rampant through him became too much, and so Youngbin avoided the dorms and stuck to the practice rooms. The white walls they used to all despise became his sanctuary away from the sights that caused his heart to sink down into his feet, and the cold wooden floors were welcome after he’d thrown himself into dance to forget the nagging sting of loneliness. Music and dance were the only things that kept him afloat when that feeling of loneliness began to claw at his ribcage. When it began to try and pry it’s way free from the cage he’d locked it in he would throw himself head first into hour long practice sessions that often ended with him a sweaty mess, too tired to be bothered by the feelings that swirled about in his chest. 

It wasn’t suspicious for him to be staying in the practice rooms so often, it was almost what was expected of him. As the leader of the group he was supposed to take care of the things that happened behind the scenes. Helping choreograph songs, sitting in with the producers and discussing the tracks that would be put into their next album, nobody gave it a second thought. In fact since he had been staying behind longer and longer each day the amount of praise he received from his trainers and seniors increased gradually over time. They’d praise him for doing such a good job as a leader, and while it made him feel better in the short run, it only added to the growing monstrosity in his heart. He was the leader, and it was his job to make sure that preparations for their next album went smoothly. He was their leader, and it was his job to make sure the practice room was clean and the equipment was in working condition. He was their leader and he was meant to comfort and lead them emotionally. He was their leader and he was supposed to bring them together, and somehow they’d all come together without him. 

Sitting down on the couch in their practice room Youngbin let a quiet sigh slip from his lips as he checked his phone. Earlier he’d agreed with Inseong to come back to the dorms around 9, and as the clock slowly crept closer and closer to the time when Inseong would be expecting his text of “I’m on my way hyung!” or “Just leaving” the more and more Youngbin began to dread going back. Opening up his messaging app, he noticed a multitude of messages in their group chat. A small part of him knew he shouldn’t look, because it always made him feel left out again, a bigger part of him urged him to open it and see what could have caused the influx of messages. Giving into his curiosity he opened the chat and scrolled through the messages as a small grin tugged at the corners of his lips. Hwiyoung and Chani had been going back and forth for the past thirty minutes about who the best hyung was, with the others occasionally popping in to make points. (It was mostly Dawon, saying that he should definitely be Chani’s favourite because he was the one who had bought him chicken the last three times in a row.) For a moment a small bit of warmth bloomed in his chest, before it was snuffed out by a single wave of sadness that followed his realisation. Not once had they mentioned him when discussing who their favourite was. They’d both admitted to immediately ruling out Juho and Rowoon, saying it was only the big hyungs who mattered… Yet Youngbin’s name wasn’t mentioned at all, not even by any of the others. It was silly, he knew, but it made him feel the same way it did when he watched them at the dorms. Nobody took much notice of him when he was in the room so it shouldn’t have been any better when he wasn’t in the house, right?

Suddenly Youngbin was very, very sure he did not want to go back to the dorms right now. Inseong would be upset at him for saying he would come home early and going back on his promise, but in the end Inseong’s rage was much less terrifying than the swirl of emotions that was slowly twisting and churning in his gut. Closing the group chat, he sent a quick message to Inseong, doing his best to make it seem as cheery as possible before he rather unceremoniously threw his phone onto the couch and moved to play music. It wouldn’t hurt to get some choreography done before the deadline. 

 

Youngbin 8:57PM

Hyung! I won’t be able to come home until later, I didn’t realise how much I had to do :((  
Please make sure the kids eat for me, okay! 

Inseong sat staring at his phone with his eyebrows drawn close together, his irritation clear on his face as he took in a deep breath to attempt and calm himself. Jaeyoon gave him a concerned and questioning look, his eyes giving a clear message. He had already shown Jaeyoon and Dawon the message, trying to figure out a way to keep the younger members busy while they figured out a way to wrangle Youngbin away from the practice rooms. Tonight was supposed to be the groups movie night, they had one every month where they stayed up late before their break day and watched movies together. Youngbin had been the one who pushed for them to watch the movies in the first place, and he’d already missed out on the last movie night they had. To him it might have seemed as though they didn’t notice, but all of the members were aware of how he avoided coming home at night. Chani had been upset for the past month as Youngbin slowly got more and more distant. After Youngbin had missed their scheduled movie night he had cried, which set off Hwiyoung who in turn made Rowoon shed a few tears as he complained that it wasn’t like his hyung to miss out on movies, especially if there would be snacks and junk food that they didn’t usually get to have on their diets. 

“I’m going to go get him.” Dawon announced suddenly. “Just tell Chani I went out to buy drinks and picked up Youngbin on the way to the convenience store.” Standing to leave, Jaeyoon stopped him before he left. 

“I think it might be best if Inseong went.” He said quietly, glancing between the two. “Someone has to distract Chani and neither of us are very good at that… Besides, Youngbin listens to Inseong best since he’s the only member who’s older than he is.” Sighing quietly Dawon glanced to Inseong with raised eyebrows. Heaving a sigh of his own Inseong nodded gently, face betraying the frustration tingling under his skin.

“I’ll go, don’t worry I’ll bring him back.” 

As Jaeyoon went to go round up the kids Dawon paused, staring at the closed door for a minute after Inseong left. Struggling internally for a moment he shoved his feet into his sneakers and opened the door. Jaeyoon would forgive him later for leaving, but something about sending Inseong alone left him feeling nervous. 

Youngbin had been practicing for too long for him to remember the exact number of minutes. Maybe it was 30? Probably closer to 50. The sound of his shoes seemed to blend seamlessly into the music at this point, the harsh squeaking matching the ache in his chest as he threw himself again and again into the choreography. His joints were aching and his muscles burned to the point where he trembled, but he remedied it by forcing himself to keep moving, keep moving to hide his trembling hands and keep himself from breaking down. One and two and three and one! Two and- His limbs finally gave way, legs unable to support his weight through the turn as they crumpled under him uselessly. Despite the blaring of the music he fell hard enough for the sound of his knees, and then his elbow colliding with the floor to echo within the room. Struggling to push himself back to his feet, he didn’t hear the quiet click of the door over the sob that finally ripped itself from his throat. It was a pitiful sound really. Raw and uncontrolled, full and soaked full of emotion that he had been trying so desperately to control. When he tried to stand his legs shook and gave out once more, twice more before he finally gave in and let himself roll onto his side. Pulling his knees to his chest he cried. It wasn’t the sort of crying you see from most people. It was silent, without a single quake in his shoulders. It was nothing but his laboured breath and the tears that poured down his face in a steady torrent.

His body refused to move from the ground as he tried to push himself back up and his muscles cried out in protest and shook violently every time that he tried to stand and reclaim his feet. As he floundered on the floor the sudden sound of the door slamming open made him freeze like a deer in headlights. Kneeling on the floor Youngbin turned his eyes to the floor, tears still rolling sluggishly down his cheeks as he listened to footsteps move towards the speakers and stop the music that had covered the sound of his ragged breathing. Listening closely, Youngbin couldn’t bring himself to look up as those footsteps drew closer towards him and his breathing slowly picked up as a quiet sense of panic began to crawl through his chest. The closer those footsteps came the more uncomfortable he felt until whoever it was was right behind him and his breathing was now erratic and laboured, the tears on his face picking up pace and falling more rapidly as he tried to keep himself from falling into a full blown panic. 

“Get up Youngbin.” Inseong’s voice was cold, without any of the warmth that it usually carried when he was speaking with the other members. Youngbin flinched just at the sound, part of him immediately feeling guilty afterwards. He knew Inseong would never hurt him… At least he was pretty sure he never would. The voice from behind him didn’t seem like Inseong’s to him, it was cold and angry and everything that Inseong never was. Scrambling to stand Youngbin forced his weight onto his legs despite the way that they trembled and threatened to crumble beneath him. Still he couldn’t face Inseong. There was an uncanny fear mingling with that same feeling of loneliness in his chest. It was an emotion he wasn’t used to feeling and it made his heart race even when he knew it shouldn’t. Youngbin was too scared to turn and face Inseong. What did Inseong think of him? Avoiding the other guys only for him to walk in on him not even practicing but laying on the floor? He’d be angry for sure he knew. Inseong was furious and Youngbin swore he could feel it in the air as he stood there, nearly hyperventilating as he tried to ignore the senseless fear that was beginning to run rampant through his heart. “Youngbin.” Inseong’s voice came again. “Quit screwing around and look at me for fucks sake.” 

Once more Youngbin flinched, and when he tried to take a deep breath he was halted by hiccups that caused his chest to spasm uncontrollably and force his breath out of his lungs before he could draw in enough. Inseong was angry, he’d made him upset. Of course Inseong would be upset, Youngbin wasn’t sure what he had been thinking this whole time. He should have known it would make them angry… But then again it hadn’t seemed like they would have minded. 

“YOUNGBIN.” Inseong snapped, gripping the younger by his shoulder and forcefully spinning him around, his irritation flaring at the way the other flinched under his hand. He’d been stressed trying to placate the younger members and had promised them Youngbin was only gone because he was busy, but when he had shown up Youngbin had been doing absolutely nothing, and now he was acting ridiculous. If Inseong hadn’t been so upset he would have taken notice of the other’s laboured breathing, he would have noticed his reddened eyes and the tears that still rolled down his cheek as his lips trembled. He would have noticed how distressed the other was before there was a pair of hands yanking and pushing him away from Youngbin. 

“Inseong, Inseong calm down.” Dawon’s appearance shocked both Inseong and Youngbin, who was barely given a moment to breathe and try to grasp what was going on before Inseong exploded.

“Get off me Dawon.” Inseong said slowly, irritation barely concealed. “I’m not sure why you’re here, but Youngbin clearly isn’t interested in coming back to the dorms.” He seethed, glaring at Youngbin without even bothering to look him in the eyes. “He’s busy.” With that he turned and stalked from the practice room, leaving Youngbin to wheeze and try to catch his breath after the confrontation and Dawon to struggle between the urge to comfort his friend, or chase after Inseong and knock some sense back into him. 

A quiet hiccup brought Dawon’s attention away from the doorway and back to the man behind him. Youngbin’s attempts to control his breathing had fallen through and now he had slumped back to the floor, hands clutching at his shirt and pulling it to cover his mouth as he clutched at his heart. He was hyperventilating and stuttering with every breath, mind working in frantic circles that only made his breathing worsen with every turn it took. Inseong hated him, he’d upset one of the members he was supposed to be closest with and now he wouldn’t even look at him. There wasn’t a point for him to go back to the dorms, there never was, there wouldn’t be one now. He’d messed it all up, it was his fault, he’d failed to be the kind of leader he was supposed to be, it was falling apart-

“Youngbin, Youngbinnie hyung?” Dawon’s voice was soft, calming probably if he weren’t so worked up. “Hyung I need you to look at me.” He tried gently, kneeling down to put himself at the same level as Youngbin. “Youngbin please look at me.” The boy begged, holding out his hands palm up for Youngbin to hold. Slowly he let go of his shirt in one hand and placed it in Dawon’s while the other still held his shirt to his mouth as he breathed heavily. Smiling gently Dawon carefully intertwined their fingers, his grip gentle but still firm enough to ground Youngbin to something other than the thoughts racing through his mind. “Alright hyung, if you don’t want to look at me at least watch my hands okay?” Dawon asked, tapping a slow rhythm against the back of Youngbin’s hand with his finger. “Breathe in time with the beat, one, two, out, one two-” He counted slowly, keeping the rhythm with his finger and slowing the beat progressively until Youngbin was breathing calmly except for occasional hiccups.

“D-Dawon.” Youngbin began, hardly finishing just his friend’s name before tears were falling from his eyes. 

“Shhh, it’s okay hyung, come here.” He murmured softly, opening up his arms and hoping Youngbin would accept and come closer. Dawon couldn’t help the fond smile that formed on his lips as Youngbin did just that, leaning into his arms and burying his face in his shoulder as he sobbed openly and loudly for the first time in years. Doing his best to comfort the older by hushing him softly and rubbing his back as he murmured nonsense into his ear Youngbin quickly tired himself out by crying, his chest still heaving even after his eyes had finally dried and he’d run out of tears to shed. When they tried to stand Youngbin could hardly move his legs he had worn himself out so thoroughly, and Dawon once again found himself smiling fondly at the older man. “Here” he offered softly, kneeling and motioning for Youngbin to get onto his back. “You’re not going to walk back to the dorms like that.” Dawon reasoned, cutting off any arguments from Youngbin and carefully arranging the sleepy leader comfortably before he stood and began to carry him. 

“Dawon?” Youngbin murmured sleepily, he breath fanning against the side of Dawon’s face and part of his neck as he spoke softly. 

Swallowing the lump in his throat Dawon managed to reply without his voice cracking. “Yeah?”

“Thank you.” Was the simple reply he got before Youngbin finally gave into his exhaustion and fell asleep. Halfway out the door Dawon realised they had forgotten Youngbin’s phone in the practice room but he shrugged it off easily. They could go and get it in the morning after they had both rested and he had figured out just what was going on with his Hyung.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this!   
> Please leave comments on what you thought/how I might be able to improve, I really appreciate them!  
> This is kind of a mess but it's my very first work yet so I hope you can be forgiving of any spelling or punctuation errors that are present here.
> 
> ALSO there may be a second part??? If I can figure out just exactly where to take this.
> 
> P.S I'm sorry for making Inseong like this please forgive me.


End file.
